By DeeDee Corbitt Sauter
Shh. Please be quiet.
I am very busy trying to read this three- month-old magazine while I wait for the doctor to empty the cell—er, exam room— and call me. I have no idea how I missed the fact that Demi and Ashton are no longer together. This is clearly bad news for potential cougars everywhere although I am pretty sure Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are still together. So, there is still hope.
Please keep it down.
Listen to me. I can’t get my thoughts together and concentrate on these celebrity quagmires if you keep talking. I understand that you are very upset because your dog ate that new loaf of bread. I just don’t think it is so important that it needs to be discussed now, via cell phone, in this small waiting room, near me, loudly.
Lady in blue: If all the stories about your relatives that you have randomly shared with the different patrons of this fine establishment are even half true, then I have to agree with you. They are indeed rude and obnoxious. But the stories are not as riveting as you may think. After accidently listening to all of the issues and your running commentary, I have concluded that you probably fit into the family well. This is just an observation.
Aww. Mommy, your child really is adorable! What a gift of genetics. But I believe you have precocious confused with intolerable. It is not generally acceptable to allow anyone to stand on a chair and sing, however quietly. Comparing her to Britney Spears clearly does not give the pop star enough credit.
I am not even going to comment on the conversation you two over there are having about chastity belts while giggling. Seriously, you two look like you are in your 70s. What type of role models are you? There is a young child squawking in this room.
Do you all have any idea how loud you are? For the love of Pete, how do you expect me to remember this great “15-Minute Dinner” recipe if you keep yapping?
Oh my. That is a fascinating ringtone. Someone screaming like they are being impaled would indeed encourage me to answer the phone—immediately. I am not sure why you won’t. I hear it. We ALL hear it.
Excuse me, sir, please close your mouth. I am sure that smacking your gum is helping you deal with the boredom. I am sure of that because the only other option is that your mama didn’t teach you manners or repeatedly intoned the phrase that includes bovines and cuds and your resemblance to them. So, allow me the pleasure. “Close your mouth. Quit smacking your gum. You look and sound like a cow chewing…”
The Duggars are pregnant again? How did that happen? When did that happen? I think they are trying to take over the world.
Why are all of these magazines three months old? They are always three months old. How do they do that? Three months ago, these were not here. This is clearly an attempt to keep the patients confused so we fail all mental status exams.
One last thing before I stop glaring at you. The passive-aggressive loud whispers that the whole room can hear are not helpful. The doctors are late. We have all been waiting too long. In fact, studies have been conducted to determine the national average wait time. It’s a problem. I try to be scheduled as the first patient and even then I wait. How is your mumbling improving the situation? The office staff is ignoring eye contact; they look like kids bobbing for apples as they bounce up and down behind the Plexiglas to avoid any type of confrontation. So, the only ones who can hear you whine are us! And we are waiting with you. Oh, the irony.
Did you forget that you also wait for the plumber, the heating guy, the cable company, the dentist, the mechanic and the handyman? And you are lucky if the contractor shows up at all. So why is this such an enormous surprise? The running commentary is not even necessary.
Wait, what was that? Excuse me? Are you serious? My appointment is not today? It’s NEXT Tuesday? I have to do this AGAIN? At least that gives me time to buy the white noise- making headphones.
DeeDee Corbitt Sauter is a resident of PrinceWilliam County. Her column, “Tambourines andElephants,” appears monthly in Prince William Living.
